just one of those days

It's just been one of those mornings. And it's not even 10:00! You ever have those? Those I-feel-like-a-bad-mom-but-I-think-I'm-doing-the-right-thing kind of mornings? Well, that was me this morning. Cole has been home from school the past two days because we thought he was coming down with strep throat. Sunday night he woke up in the middle of the night complaining about a sore throat. Monday morning when we got up, it still hurt so I looked in his throat. I saw a little white bump. Immediately you think strep. I took his temperature but he was normal. Chris and I decided to keep him home anyways, just in case. I called the doctor to see if he thought we needed to bring Cole in. He said he didn't need to see him unless he had a fever and more white bumps showed up. So Cole stayed home. He brought his pillow and blankets out to the couch and watched tv and played the Wii all day. He complained about his throat from time to time but nothing too serious. During the night on Monday, he was up again crying about the same thing. I looked in his mouth for more white bumps - just the one still. Checked him for a fever - nothing. In the morning when it was time to get up for school, I decided to keep him home again. He acted better this day. He played with Mason like there was nothing wrong with him and I had to keep reminding him that he was sick and to lay back down on the couch. In the afternoon he started crying about his throat. So Daddy went to the store, talked to the pharmacist and got Cole some cough drops. The pharmacist said to give him cough drops, Motrin to help the swelling in his throat, and to give him some hot chocolate to help sooth his throat. Come Tuesday night, Cole was fine so we took him and Mason out to do their school pictures. Ok. Now to this morning. I slept in cuz it was late start Wednesday. When I got up, the boys were already awake. Cole was playing the Wii and Mason was playing the DS. Because we had an extra hour before the bus came, I wasn't in a hurry to get Cole ready for school or to really check his throat since he wasn't complaining of it being sore and since he didn't wake me up in the middle of the night. About 10 minutes after I got up and got fully awake, I asked him how his throat was. He said it felt a little better. I looked in his mouth. Still just the one bump and a little swelling. Checked him for a fever. Normal. So I called Chris and asked him what he wanted me to do. He said send him to school. So I told Cole he needed to get some breakfast and get ready for school. That's when the flood gates opened! He started crying saying his throat hurt and he can't go to school cuz he had strep. I told him he was fine, it was probably just a cold and allergies. He didn't have a fever so he's fine. While he sat at the table he cried and cried. "What do I do if my throat starts hurting? It hurts when I move my mouth"....he brought out a whole bunch of excuses. I kind of felt bad for him but I kept thinking about how he had been acting - fine until I said he was going to school. I had him talk to Chris on the phone. That really didn't help. He was crying up a storm in his room while he was making his bed and getting dressed. I just ignored it. I figured if I didn't give in and give him attention for it, maybe he would forget. It worked. After a while he quit crying and he got his shoes and coat on. I just couldn't help but feeling like a bad mom. Was I doing the right thing by sending him to school upset? Was I being insensitive? I wrote the teacher a note and explained everything to her so she wouldn't think I was a bad mom and just shoved my kid off to school. So, Cole stood in the living room, coat on, lunch box in hand - ready to go to school. Mason was watching old home videos in the living room. He was watching one of Cole when he was a baby. I came out in the living room and saw Cole's baby face on the tv. Instantly I said, "Awwh! Look how cute you are, Cole!" Then I walked off to do something. Cole followed me and said, "Mom, when you said how cute I was as a baby, my eyes cried a little." :) That made me feel better. That helped my morning and I didn't feel like such a loser mom. See, as moms, we fall short some times and we have those moments where we act a certain way that, when we look back, we regret our actions. We say things that make us feel like bad moms when we think back on what we said. I felt bad all morning for making him go to school, but I kept telling myself that I was doing the right thing given all the facts I had and how he'd been acting. I was afraid he was going to be upset at me and love me less. When he told me his eyes cried a little, that made the world right again. I felt like a good mom again. I don't know why that little sentence did it for me, but it did. He was fine, he got on the bus with a smile on his face, and (fingers crossed) hopefully we won't have a phone call from school later.

Ok. I feel better now. It's a cleansing process to write it all down.