time

This past week has been hard. My Grandma passed away on Sunday evening. She was the last living grandparent that I had. (I was too young to remember my other grandparents' deaths.) This week, for me, has brought one thing to mind - time. Time has been a constant this week. I was thankful for time this week. Thankful for the time I had with my Grandma at the hospital - the first hospital trip she had where she was still talking and like the Grandma I'd always known. I spent over an hour with her in her room talking. I don't remember every little thing we talked about, but I do remember her mentioning her 69th high school reunion that she was so excited to attend with her sister Rosie next month. I remember her huge smile and you could just tell she was looking forward to it very much. We also had another interesting topic come up. I don't remember how, but I'm assuming it was after she mentioned she was afraid her health would get to the point where she couldn't drive anymore and she would have to rely on others to get around. She mentioned she didn't want to become a burden to anyone. She knew her heart was getting weaker and she knew there was only so much medicine could do for her. She told me she knew her time was getting close and she was ready. She also made it a point to tell me that she wanted to go peacefully in her sleep. She wanted to be left alone. No big heroic measures made to save her. She told me she had lived a full life and she was happy with everything she had accomplished. I sat there, listened and smiled, but deep down it was killing me and I wanted to cry. I stayed strong and didn't shed a tear. I tried to change the subject and talk about more happier things. I don't know what else we talked about but I know I enjoyed the hour or so I had alone with my Grandma. I left her, sitting up in her bed, smiling and telling me how much she appreciated me visiting her and how surprised she was. My mom asked me earlier that day to visit her since her and my sister were still on vacation and I'm glad my mom did. I'm glad I got that personal time with her. Little did I know that that would be my last conversation with my Grandma. So now that she's gone, I treasure that night that I had with her in the hospital even more.

Even though she ended up back in the hospital a day and a half after they sent her home and that was the last time we would see her, the time that I spent up at the hospital with her will always be remembered and treasured. Even though Grandma wasn't the same and she couldn't communicate back like she did with me a couple of days earlier, I realized that I wished I had spent more time with her before. I felt a little guilt creep in and so I just tried to let her know as much as I could how much I loved her. I told her often and held her hand. I'll never forget the smile in her eyes when she heard my voice saying, "Hi, Grandma. We're here to see you." Her eyes that looked so distant and stared up at the ceiling, focused and she turned her head to look into my eyes and I could tell she was trying to smile at me. I got to spend the night with my sister and my mom. Just us three women with Grandma. I think we got a total of maybe 2 hours of sleep the entire night (if that) and it was hit and miss, but I wouldn't have changed anything about that night. Even the freezing hospital room and the uncomfortable chairs that we tried to sleep in. I will only remember and cherish the fact that we were spending precious last moments with our Grandma. We were helping her eat ice chips, we were wiping her nose, putting chapstick on her lips, and most importantly we were telling her we loved her and we sang to her. We sang a couple of songs that I knew growing up - Bible songs that friends wrote. But there was one hymn in particular that my mom requested that we sing - "The old rugged cross". I know Grandma heard us singing and I know she liked it. She might not have been able to talk, but she could mouth words like "ice" and "tissue" and she would shake her head yes or no. One thing was for sure....Grandma's mind was sharp as a tack and she knew what she wanted and she'd let you know!

The last few hours we spent with her were such precious moments to me. Moments I will never forget and will cherish for the rest of my life. I had never experienced death before and, truthfully, I was a little scared going to the hospital because I knew it's what I was going to experience. It wasn't like I thought it would be. I was saddened by what I witnessed and sad that it happened, but at the same time it was beautiful. It was a beautiful moment that I was able to share with my sister, mother, and brother. I will always remember that and I am so thankful we could all be there for her and we have that memory with us for the rest of our lives. It was a defining moment where we all felt the same raw emotions. Sadness, grief, hurt, and love. I will always cherish and remember my time I spent with my family. But most importantly, I will always remember telling my Grandma "I love you" and watching her mouth the words, "Love you too" back to me. She was definitely loved. She went peacefully and she went surrounded by people who loved her.

Time. We never know how much time we have in this life. It is VITAL that we use our time wisely. Surround ourselves with the people we love. Make sure we know where we stand so we know where we will end up when our time has run out.

To quote my Grandma: "Love life, family, and friends."

****We love you, Grandma, and you will be missed terribly.****